Michael Bloomberg warned New Yorkers repeatedly that if they
failed to elect Republican Joe Lhota as Mayor of New York that the Big Apple
would return to the “bad old days” of the 1970’s. What no one
knew was how fast it could happen – and how far the city could
fall.
No sooner had Democrat Bill de Blasio been sworn in at City
Hall in January 2014 when a mood of reckless criminality swept through the
famed metropolis sending residents and business owners fleeing for their
lives.
“Bad old days of the 1970’s??” exclaimed shop owner
Rafael Diaz, dodging brick bats and machine gun fire after his 7-11 had been looted
and burned. “This is more like Chicago under Al Capone!!”
A mere six
months after Bill De Blasio was sworn in as the new Mayor of New York city,
residents saw property values plummet, whole industries abandon ship and a
crime wave sweep the city the like of which has not been seen since the era of
“Five Points” and the infamous Draft Riots.
Seemingly
overnight, Disney pulled its franchises from Times Square leaving the Great
White Way to be prowled by drug addicted hookers, pimps, drunks and psychotic
cabbies like Travis Bickle in “Taxi Driver”.
“We thought
we could raise our triplets in a bastion of culture and urban sophistication.” sobbed Jim and Joy Archer who can now only
afford a ramshackle hut in Jersey City after losing their million dollar brownstone
on West 79th Street. “What
were we thinking??”
In failing to
elect Joe Lhota, pundits ascertained that NYC voters clearly underestimated the
fearful shadow cast by dimunitive ex-Mayor Mike Bloomberg on the criminal
underworld.
“First he
banned smoking in bars. Then you
couldn’t smoke in parks. Then he
arrested people for walking down the street in 2004 during the RNC.” Explained former
underworld figure Lance “the Crimp” Washington. “Then he started going after people with 32
oz sodas. You never knew what the
fucker was goin’ to do next.”
Washington
smiled when asked about life under the new mayor, and his new post as Deputy
Police commissioner. “De Blasio?
He’s a mellow kind of dude. He
won’t mind if we pop some tourists and knock over some convenience stores. Long as we remember to kick some back upstairs,
ya know what I’m sayin’?”
The mayhem
began on the eve of de Blasio’s inauguration when a newly formed gang hurled a
cinder block through the window of Dean and DeLuca’s in Soho and ransacked the
store, stuffing themselves with smoked salmon, chocolate dipped fig cakes, and
polenta. Armed with jars of Black
Truffle honey and Peach Chutney they stormed through Nolita and the Lower East
side smashing windows at Uniqlo and beating up tourists asking for directions.
The young, untested
police force was slow to respond. “Policing during the Bloomberg years meant breaking
up kids fist fights and giving out tickets for dog shit!” cried Donal
Lonerghan, the lazy, drunken and ineffectual police commissioner who had
replaced veteran Ray Kelly.
“There was just no way for our boys to prepare
themselves for this!!” he added looking
like Scottie from the original Star Trek when he was letting down Captain Kirk
by not fixing the Enterprise in 5 minutes.
“No way!!”
There was
little to prepare New Yorkers for the departure of their moneyed tax base
either. Seemingly overnight whole
industries and resident millionaires fled the city, disdaining the higher taxes
mandated by the new Democratic Mayor.
“I’ll have to
fly in to make the dedication of the new wing at MOMA.” sniffed socialite
Georgette Crum del Valle from her new
mansion in downtown Detroit. “But it sure beats having to pay all those
extra taxes! People like us always
pinch pennies when it comes to things like that. How do you think we stay rich?”
Former Simon
and Shuster intern Courtney Bledsoe was forced to survive by selling her body for
sex after the iconic publishing firm relocated to faraway Iowa. From
the dumpster under West side highway, where she plies her trade, the once perky
but now careworn Ms Bledsoe related her sorry comedown between swigs from a
pint of Night Train Express.
“Sure I was
an intern. Sure my parents paid for
everything.” She explained, pausing to
spit out a bicuspid and smooth back her greasy, unwashed hair. “But the security deposit on my new apartment
on the upper west side broke them. Then my five roommates left and there was no
way to make $7,000 a month for a duplex. And there’s my smack habit to keep up
with. So here I am!! All thanks to Bill de Blasio!!”
Not everyone
was saddened by these catastrophic changes however. Retired dock worker Fiorello Gravanese says
he’s happy for the relative peace and quiet.
“All those damn kids and hedge fund managers left the building and my
landlord’s actually grateful to get my $700 a month rent.” He says.
“Families are moving back in the area and
there’s a girlie show moving into the abandoned Applebee’s next door. Say what you will about the bad ole days in
New York but they were a helluva lot more interesting than life under Bloomberg.”
