Michael Bloomberg warned New Yorkers repeatedly that if they failed to elect Republican Joe Lhota as Mayor of New York that the Big Apple would return to the “bad old days” of the 1970’s. What no one knew was how fast it could happen – and how far the city could fall.
No sooner had Democrat Bill de Blasio been sworn in at City Hall in January 2014 when a mood of reckless criminality swept through the famed metropolis sending residents and business owners fleeing for their lives.
“Bad old days of the 1970’s??” exclaimed shop owner Rafael Diaz, dodging brick bats and machine gun fire after his 7-11 had been looted and burned. “This is more like Chicago under Al Capone!!”
A mere six months after Bill De Blasio was sworn in as the new Mayor of New York city, residents saw property values plummet, whole industries abandon ship and a crime wave sweep the city the like of which has not been seen since the era of “Five Points” and the infamous Draft Riots.
Seemingly overnight, Disney pulled its franchises from Times Square leaving the Great White Way to be prowled by drug addicted hookers, pimps, drunks and psychotic cabbies like Travis Bickle in “Taxi Driver”.
“We thought we could raise our triplets in a bastion of culture and urban sophistication.” sobbed Jim and Joy Archer who can now only afford a ramshackle hut in Jersey City after losing their million dollar brownstone on West 79th Street. “What were we thinking??”
In failing to elect Joe Lhota, pundits ascertained that NYC voters clearly underestimated the fearful shadow cast by dimunitive ex-Mayor Mike Bloomberg on the criminal underworld.
“First he banned smoking in bars. Then you couldn’t smoke in parks. Then he arrested people for walking down the street in 2004 during the RNC.” Explained former underworld figure Lance “the Crimp” Washington. “Then he started going after people with 32 oz sodas. You never knew what the fucker was goin’ to do next.”
Washington smiled when asked about life under the new mayor, and his new post as Deputy Police commissioner. “De Blasio? He’s a mellow kind of dude. He won’t mind if we pop some tourists and knock over some convenience stores. Long as we remember to kick some back upstairs, ya know what I’m sayin’?”
The mayhem began on the eve of de Blasio’s inauguration when a newly formed gang hurled a cinder block through the window of Dean and DeLuca’s in Soho and ransacked the store, stuffing themselves with smoked salmon, chocolate dipped fig cakes, and polenta. Armed with jars of Black Truffle honey and Peach Chutney they stormed through Nolita and the Lower East side smashing windows at Uniqlo and beating up tourists asking for directions.
The young, untested police force was slow to respond. “Policing during the Bloomberg years meant breaking up kids fist fights and giving out tickets for dog shit!” cried Donal Lonerghan, the lazy, drunken and ineffectual police commissioner who had replaced veteran Ray Kelly.
“There was just no way for our boys to prepare themselves for this!!” he added looking like Scottie from the original Star Trek when he was letting down Captain Kirk by not fixing the Enterprise in 5 minutes. “No way!!”
There was little to prepare New Yorkers for the departure of their moneyed tax base either. Seemingly overnight whole industries and resident millionaires fled the city, disdaining the higher taxes mandated by the new Democratic Mayor.
“I’ll have to fly in to make the dedication of the new wing at MOMA.” sniffed socialite Georgette Crum del Valle from her new mansion in downtown Detroit. “But it sure beats having to pay all those extra taxes! People like us always pinch pennies when it comes to things like that. How do you think we stay rich?”
Former Simon and Shuster intern Courtney Bledsoe was forced to survive by selling her body for sex after the iconic publishing firm relocated to faraway Iowa. From the dumpster under West side highway, where she plies her trade, the once perky but now careworn Ms Bledsoe related her sorry comedown between swigs from a pint of Night Train Express.
“Sure I was an intern. Sure my parents paid for everything.” She explained, pausing to spit out a bicuspid and smooth back her greasy, unwashed hair. “But the security deposit on my new apartment on the upper west side broke them. Then my five roommates left and there was no way to make $7,000 a month for a duplex. And there’s my smack habit to keep up with. So here I am!! All thanks to Bill de Blasio!!”
Not everyone was saddened by these catastrophic changes however. Retired dock worker Fiorello Gravanese says he’s happy for the relative peace and quiet. “All those damn kids and hedge fund managers left the building and my landlord’s actually grateful to get my $700 a month rent.” He says.
“Families are moving back in the area and there’s a girlie show moving into the abandoned Applebee’s next door. Say what you will about the bad ole days in New York but they were a helluva lot more interesting than life under Bloomberg.”